Soon I go back to a world, governed by alarms, rules, and regulations that are not my own. A place where all of it is done simply for their good, not mine. A world I truly dread.
It is said that it's something we all must do in order to survive or have any chance at happiness, but rarely is this the case. How can an environment filled with ego, narcissism, and lies make any one of us happy?
Some survive or thrive in this world because it makes them rich, while most of us struggle to put food on the table, much less make enough to have a roof over our head. But, we still continue on existing in this cookie-cutter type of world, where our self-respect and morals are sacrificed and compromised daily.
Soon, I'll be back to being just a number, rather than a name - existing solely for their bottom line. A place where all tranquility is lost. This is why it is so important to strive for a job or career that you love. Find a way to work your passion. It is very necessary to have dreams and set goals for yourself, otherwise, you will surely die bit by bit, slowly and painfully every day.
I have spent the last 5 months healing myself. Taking care of everything and making sure that my every need was met. Some days were painful, while others were filled with impatience. It was because I had entered a realm of my world that was foreign to me, but I knew it was bringing me to another level of my existence - a better one. Each day was filled with things that worked solely for my good, surrounded by people who only had one thing in mind - my health and happiness. Each 24-hour day was spent on me. Now, I stand alone again and wonder if I am strong enough to walk the rest of this path to a better life, all by myself. Questioning if I learned enough during this time and if I now have all the tools I need to truly change.
It is hard to transition from putting yourself first to putting yourself somewhere in the mix, during the course of the day. We continuously sacrifice ourselves for the betterment of other people and things. We promise ourselves that we will take the time out for ourselves, but it lasts a mere few days before we are back to our old ways. There is never enough time to be who we have to be and to be who we want to be. And why do we have to do both, anyway? This is not the life I want for myself anymore. It is not the life that anyone of us should live. Yes of course I understand that life is filled with duty and responsibility, but I have learned that none is more crucial than the responsibility and divine right we have to ourselves, to live fulfilled.
I am afraid of going back to a rat race, where I will be chewed up once again. Afraid that every single step I have taken in the last little while will be compromised, and all progress lost. I feel like I need more time to myself, for myself. More time to explore and grow. But alas, there is no more time left. Isn't that the rub? We all live lives that are almost designed to destroy us in some way. Instead of fighting it or looking for new ways to get away from it, we succumb to it, because it's easy. It is too hard to strive for the life you actually want, so you settle for the life you have.
For as long as I can remember, I've always had dreams. I always knew that I wanted to be more than just someone who gets up, works a mundane and mindless job, comes home, eats, and goes to sleep - just to do it all the same again tomorrow. That is just not enough for me. This is simply not my world. I never envisioned this for myself. Now, if this is you then power on brothers and sisters and be happy. Don't be made to feel ashamed of this kind of life if this is what you have chosen for yourself. Take pride in it and keep on working on it! But I am talking to those of us who have always dreamt of more, we need to strive harder for it.
I humbly say that I was blessed with many incredible, insanely extraordinary gifts in this life, and I want to spend time using and developing them all. At the end of my life, I want to look back on it and know that the world is a better place because I existed - instead of just having "worked" in it. I want to be missed and talked about. I want my gifts to transcend in hearts and lives of all people over centuries. This is what I want for myself. I don't have children to leave anything to, so I want to leave my words, etched in people's minds, throughout space and time for all to remember. I want to make a difference. It is no wonder that I have adored and looked up to people like Oprah, Princess Diana, Pope John Paul II, and Padre Pio. All simple people who used their gifts to inspire and change the world forever. Just ordinary people, born from nothing and leaving an untouchable legacy behind.
When I am finally seen by my creator, I want him to look at me and say. "Well done, my child. You have used all that I have given you and transformed many lives. Your cup is now empty, welcome home!" All this, sealed with an embrace that will warm me for all of eternity.
I deserve to live a life that puts me first. I want it this way so that I can save others. One that I am going to try to put in place for myself. I want to fulfill a destiny that I know I was meant to, but haven't yet out of fear.
What is out there waiting for me? How will my words reach others? In what ways can I impact the world for the greater good? What memories will I be making? Who will I love? Who will love me? Where can I take this small, humble business I'm trying so hard to create? I will pray on it.
So, as each day draws me closer to that world I don't wish to return to, I am doing things to armor myself with, against it. I am praying so hard that my old life doesn't recognize and find me again. If it does, it will surely swallow me up this time. Instead this time, I will try to use the devil's yolk just enough to let it fuel me toward better things.
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